Finding it difficult to be consistent?
Yes!
Image Care of MidJourney
I’m probably not the only millennial self diagnosed with ADHD. I am probably not the only one self medicating with caffeine, and thus not the only one sleeping like shit, waking up like shit, feeling like shit, oh, and looking like shit!
I also know that I am not the only one of my generation who’s finding it difficult to achieve their financial goals. Nothing lofty, just little promised things like being able to pay rent, and eat clean food if I put in the hours in at work.
Finding fulfillment… Pssh!
What I’m finding is difficulty being disciplined and consistent in the direction of my dreams. I’m consistent as F*** in my rut! What does moving towards one’s dreams even look like in this society, this economy, this ecosystem?
I’m finding it difficult to be consistent with the behavior that I want to cultivate.
I’m amazingly consistent within my rut.
There’s a backlog of deferred maintenance in my life. I feel it in my body as tightness, pain or as dark places that my awareness can’t easily access. I see it in my posture, my face, and the steadily decreasing mobility in my joints.
The deferral of maintenance in my mind shows up as FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and FOBO (Fear Of Better Options) at every decision point. It’s a constant, grinding friction that adds mental energy and resistance to any task. It’s a mind that cannot sit still, be calm, or reflect on itself.
It cannot truly enjoy.
So what have I done about it? I’ll tell ya… nothing effective.
What I’ve found myself doing are the necessary things to avoid the important ones. The dishes, walking the dog, and folding the laundry so I have a place to sleep. The daily tasks are necessary, they are urgent, they need to be done. But they aren’t important.
My chores are not moving me forward in life, nor my relationships. And while they are things that need to be done, I resist them and use them as a shield against the heavier tasks of examining my life.
I should end this post now, but I want to leave you with something tangible, a way out of the dilemma.
Check out Modern Wisdom by Chris Williamson, Episode “#925 – Joe Hudson – 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself.”
Before I listened to this episode I was successful for a time, when I put the important things before the necessary ones. I would set a timer for 5-20 minutes, depending on the day or the task and force myself to do the hard thing before the necessary one. Stretching before walking the dog, meditating before the dishes, etc…
This worked for a while but it felt bad. I had so much resistance to these tasks. Doing my self-care felt like punishing my self. Beating myself up until conditions improved, reminded me of a some wisdom that I attribute to Pema Chödrön, and I’m paraphrasing here. “Self improvement can be a a form of abuse.”
Then I came across the above linked podcast and a core concept was illuminated to me.
Understanding is more effective for change in one’s life than self improvement.
Understanding is more effective for change in one’s life than self improvement. This is because of the nature of awareness and understanding.
Perhaps this is why I am more effective on days that I journal. Journaling is a process of reflection that helps me to see myself a little clearer. On those days I work and express myself easier and with more joy.
Therapy session over.
Getting to work.
